Devotional 2: Unwholesome talk
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” (Ephesians 4:29)
The most common complaint I hear from people undergoing tribulations, challenges, and pain is that others often tend to say incredibly insensitive things. Frequently, these people are Christians. Even worse, Christians sometimes say platitudes or statements about God that are not scripturally founded. I encountered this numerous times during my battle against Grade 4 brain cancer. Among the ones I heard were (and yes, people really did say these things to me):
· “Let me tell you the story of my mom, dad, friend, cousin, sibling…(fill-in the blank) who died from the cancer you have.”
· “You need more faith. God’s answers are always ‘Yes and Amen.’”
· “God is telling me that you have sin in your life that is keeping you from being healed.”
· And my favorite, “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
For the sake of keeping today’s devotional at a reasonable length, in later devotionals, I will take each one of these comments individually to demonstrate the ways in which they are not scripturally sound and/or unhelpful to those who are undergoing crisis. I do this not to condemn those who have spoken such things, but rather to educate others on how their well-meaning attempts to sympathize often serve to cause more pain.
In Ephesians 4:29, the Lords instructs us, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” While not necessarily unwholesome, certainly these statements did not benefit me nor did they build me up and were often misinterpretations of scripture. I have come to understand that these statements were often ignorant and misguided attempts to sympathize with me in some way.
As I write this, I am reminded of a talk I heard from Ravi Zacharias, who recently went to heaven, about just months before the tumor was discovered in my brain. In recounting the story of Job and the statements of his friends, Ravi stated, “Sometimes you are better off remaining silent and shedding your tears with that individual than saying something that is going to hurt even more.”
Ravi went on to tell a story he experienced following his second back surgery. He was not allowed to move for four days, except for a few minutes when he could request orderlies to turn him on his side. On evening, Ravi desperately felt the need to turn. He called a nurse who insisted on turning him by herself. After explaining that earlier it took two strong men to turn him properly, the nurse insisted that she could do it. When the nurse rammed her hands under his back, Ravi screamed. The nurse responded, “You’ve had back surgery? I thought you had come for a hip replacement.” Ravi relayed this lesson to the audience: “You touch a healing wound in a wrong way, you will do greater damage [despite] any intent you may have had.”
I believe this talk is beneficial for everyone—those hurting and those seeking comfort—regardless of faith. It can be viewed here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Gl4ao8IzA
I hope this writing will help you as you seek to comfort others under the love and direction of Christ. If you have made such comments in the past, please know that Christ forgives and does not count it against you if you have accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:1-2 NIV).
For me, it took loosing my nephew, divorce and brain cancer to fully understand just how wrong I was to make insensitive comments to suffering people in the past. I have learned in these years to simply say, “I am heartbroken for you, I love you, and I’m praying for you. If you, like me, have made past mistakes, I encourage you to seek forgiveness from our Lord, and consider what you might say, or not say, to suffering people in the future.
If you are on the receiving end of such comments, I encourage you to respond with grace, as hard as that might be and as hurt as you may feel. As scripture says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” (Colossians 4:9 NIV). I personally believe an appropriate response is to say nothing at all and simply walk away and give it to the Lord.
Additionally, it is scripturally appropriate to respond by speaking “truth in love.” As Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus: “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15 NIV). It is perfectly appropriate to say “Thank You for your concern, but I do not receive you statement/story because God has healed me; because I have a different story; because you don’t know enough about my situation to pass judgment on me.” In Devotional 3, you will hear a story of how this happened to me and a truth in love response I gave to a priest.
For Additional Study & Discussion
1. Do you remember a time of extreme suffering in your life? What comments or actions were the most helpful?
2. Read Psalm 139: 7-12. What does this say to the person suffering? What does this say to the person who has said something hurtful to a suffering person?
3. What do you consider an appropriate response to someone suffering should be? Have you ever said something inappropriate to a suffering person? If so, what would you say in the future.