Guest Devotional #3: Even If
-by Dr. Carolyn Perry
“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty's hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods."
-Daniel 3:17-18 NIV
I have to begin by saying that I am honored to be contributing to Jeanneane's blog. Jeanneane has been such an important part of my family for nearly 20 years: traveling with us (as a student) to northern England; loving and caring for my children; discussing theology with my late husband; and becoming my precious friend. Thank you, Jeanneane--and love you dearly.
My story begins on a beautiful fall day in 2015, when my husband was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia. Given that he had been feeling just fine, we were stunned to learn that his cancer was aggressive, and we had to move quickly. Thankfully, his doctor was able to get him into a hospital just a few hours from home that was one of the best for his disease, and so we began the journey of life with cancer.
We were among the "lucky ones," having flexible careers, near-adult children, a loving church family, and an excellent hospital close to home. And yet, the road was a rough one. Greg responded very well to treatment, but his cancer returned within months. After another round of treatment, it returned again, resulting in not one, but two stem-cell transplants. Two years after the diagnosis, having never quite recovered from the second transplant, his body simply couldn't cope any longer, and he went home to God.
Those two years were among the worst and best of my life. Greg and I had always been quite independent, even though we were married for over thirty years and had raised three children together. Our expressions of faith were quite different: he relished studying the Bible and held fast to the great Truths of the Word; I relished the beautiful mystery of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit and was closest to Christ not when studying or debating, but when "doing." We often disagreed on matters of life and faith, and yet were deeply committed to each other. Those two years of camping out in a hospital room together, experiencing the tremendous support of our family and church together, and letting go of differences in order to focus on what mattered brought us to a beautiful place in our marriage that we had never before experienced. Greg would be the first to admit that he wasn't a saint, but he finished well--and I had the great privilege of being by his side.
One morning in the middle of our journey, my friend Eunice sent me the song that carried us through our final year together: MercyMe's "Even If." Greg had had an encounter with the Spirit on the day of his diagnosis that left him assured that all would be well, whether he survived or did not. But it wasn't until we had experienced a few setbacks that we were forced to consider the reality of that assurance. In the end, we knew that no matter what happened, our God was our God, and He would never abandon us. We were able to come to terms with God's will, whatever it happened to be. "Even If" ends with these words:
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone.
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone.
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul.
Like Daniel's friends in the fiery furnace, we were completely dependent on God for delivery. And we knew full well that no matter what the outcome, God was not just our only hope, but our all-sufficient hope. A few days before Greg died, we spent an evening listening to hymns together in the ICU. He could no longer communicate, but he often smiled. It seemed clear that all was well with his soul.
Writing this story makes my heart hurt with longing for my late husband and for our family to be complete again. And yet I am deeply thankful for how my faith has grown because of what we went through. I no longer cling to things I once thought necessary to be content, and I can see more clearly what it means to live “like Christ” in this world. Although his life was cut tragically short, Greg is fine--I am confident of that. And I have been forever changed through the challenges we endured together. I thank God that I, too, can say with confidence, it is well--truly well--with my soul.